to understand what depression is:
Which is harder: suffering from depression or seeing your loved ones suffering?
When we think of depression, we imagine the intense suffering of those who experience it first-hand – the feeling of deep sadness, loss of hope and lack of energy to face daily challenges. But depression affects more than just the person themselves; it has a profound effect on those around them. One question becomes crucial: is it harder to suffer from depression or to see loved ones suffering?
“Depression doesn’t define who you are. It’s part of your story, but not the whole story. With support, understanding and courage, it is possible to find the light you need.”
1. The hidden pain of depression – why is it so hard for the sufferer?
For people living with depression, the struggle is often lonely and profound. Like an iceberg, what others may notice – the sadness, the withdrawal, the silence – is only a small part of a much more complex and difficult to express inner pain. The “submerged part” of this emotional iceberg is often a constant struggle with negative thoughts, intense self-criticism, and sometimes guilt for not being able to be “happy” or “normal.”
Suffering from depression means being caught between wanting to get out of it and not being able to find a way out. The days turn into overwhelming challenges, every small task seems like a huge effort, and social interactions, once enjoyable, become exhausting. The suffering is overwhelming, and often invisible to those around you.
A patient recently confessed to us that every morning begins with an agonizing internal dialog: “Why can’t I be like everyone else? What’s wrong with me?” Trying to do seemingly simple tasks, such as making a pot of coffee, sometimes seemed a huge challenge to her. She said that “everything is an effort to survive.”
2. For loved ones: a pain that is hard to understand and accept
Those around someone suffering from depression are also going through a process of pain and confusion, but from a different perspective. It is painful to see a loved one struggling with invisible suffering, especially when you wish you could do more to help. Family and friends are often faced with conflicting feelings: on the one hand they want to offer support and comfort, but on the other they feel powerless and frustrated because their solutions don’t seem to work.
A mother of a teenage patient with severe depression told us: “I want to scream sometimes. I see him sad and lost and I don’t know what to do to help him. It’s like we speak two different languages.” This sense of emotional disconnect between what they offer and what the person needs is overwhelming.
For many, this feeling of helplessness is what makes the depression of loved ones so hard to bear. The need to offer help and ‘heal’ is natural, but depression does not respond to simple advice or comforting gestures. One patient recounted: “When someone told me that I just needed to be more positive, I felt that my problem was not being taken seriously.”
Often, those around you don’t know how to deal with the situation and can end up feeling emotionally overwhelmed themselves.
3. When two hurts meet: a challenge for both parties
Both the person suffering from depression and those around them face their own struggles. It’s as if both parties are trapped in a closed circle: depression influences the mood of those close to them, and their state can amplify the guilt and helplessness of the sufferer.
One patient said that during her depressive episode, her husband became extremely frustrated: “He didn’t understand why I couldn’t just be well, and that made me feel guilty. I could see him suffering because of me and it made everything harder.”
Her husband, on the other hand, said he felt under immense pressure: “I thought it was my duty to make her feel better, but everything I tried seemed futile. I felt helpless and overwhelmed.”
The question “Which is harder?” has no simple answer, as both experiences are difficult and have their own challenges. But often, understanding and accepting this shared struggle can provide a starting point for more authentic and empathic support.
In one case in the practice, a family found that attending therapy together gave them the tools to cope better. “Not only did we begin to understand each other better, but we were able to be more patient and work as a team,” they said.
4. How to offer support in a constructive way?
For those who want to help their friends or family who are suffering, some support strategies can make a big difference:
Empathetic listening without judgment
Being there for your loved one without judgment or pressure can provide invaluable support. Often, simply listening provides a sense of security.
Accepting that depression is a complex illness
Understanding depression as a real and often long-lasting condition can help reduce frustration and create a supportive relationship.
Professional encouragement
Psychological support and specialized treatment are often the best way to cope with depression. Encouragement towards therapy or counseling without pressure can be a valuable help.
5. For those affected: self-acceptance and support are the first steps to healing
For the person suffering from depression, accepting their own suffering and recognizing that they are not alone in this struggle are important steps. It is essential to understand that depression is not a sign of weakness, but a real condition that needs attention and care. One patient told us that one of the most difficult moments for her was recognizing that she needed help: “For years I thought I had to do it on my own. When I finally talked to a therapist, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.” Finding support mechanisms can help alleviate feelings of isolation and regain a positive outlook on life. Here are some strategies that have proven effective:
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT):
It helps to identify and change automatic negative thoughts that can amplify depression. One patient shared, “TTC has taught me to stop believing everything my depressive mind tells me. I’ve learned to look at things more clearly.”
Building a simple routine:
Even small victories, such as setting a daily schedule or doing enjoyable activities, can help regain control. For example, one patient found that daily walks in the park helped him feel more connected to the world.
Participation in support groups:
Sharing experiences with others going through similar situations can be extremely valuable. Another patient said, “In the support group, I realized that I am not alone and that others understand me without having to explain everything.”
Recognizing small progress:
Healing is not linear, but every step counts. It’s important to celebrate small breakthroughs – even just getting out of bed on a difficult day.
6. Together for an easier fight
Depression is not just an individual problem – it is a shared challenge, affecting both the sufferer and those around them. Accepting this reality can bring a deeper level of understanding and lessen the isolation on both sides. Suffering from depression and seeing loved ones suffering are two sides of the same struggle, and the key is patience, acceptance and finding the right support.
In one case in our practice, a couple told us how one partner’s depression created an invisible wall between them. “I thought I was losing everything: our relationship and even the meaning of my life,” said the affected person. “But in therapy, we learned to communicate and support each other, even when things seemed hopeless.”
How to build an alliance against depression:
Mutual patience: Understanding that the healing process is different for each person is crucial. Everyone has their own pace and their own ways of coping with difficulties.
♀️ Sharing responsibilities: Both the affected person and those around them can help create a supportive environment. The family can encourage therapy and the sufferer can try to accept help and take small steps towards recovery.
Connecting through simple activities:Sometimes little things like cooking together or taking a short walk can strengthen the bond and bring a sense of normality.
⚕️ Seek professional help:Family therapy or couples counseling can provide the tools you need to cope with depression together.
7. Depression surprises: Symptoms and feelings you don’t think about
Depression is a complex condition that often manifests in ways you might not expect. Many people don’t realize that their symptoms fall on a depressive spectrum.
Here are some examples:
Difficulty making simple decisions: Even choosing breakfast can become a huge challenge. One patient said, “It felt like every choice consumed all my energy, even deciding what clothes to wear.”
Changes in sleep habits: Not just insomnia, but excessive sleep can also be a sign of depression. One person confessed to us, “I could sleep 14 hours a day and still feel tired.”
Distorted perception of time: The days may seem endless, but the weeks slip by meaninglessly. “It’s like I’m living in a loop, not feeling the passage of time,” said another patient.
Lack of motivation for enjoyable activities: People who used to enjoy hobbies end up perceiving them as a burden. One patient said, “Music used to be my life, but now I can’t even stand to listen to a song.”
These experiences highlight the complexity of depression and the need to look beyond stereotypes.
Depression – a battle worth tackling with empathy and courage
Depression is a condition that goes beyond simple sadness or lack of motivation. It is a complex puzzle, with many facets and subtleties that may go unnoticed at first glance. That is why it is essential to look beyond the stereotypes and understand that this struggle requires both patience and genuine support.
Whether you are directly affected by depression or have a loved one who is facing this challenge, the key is to recognize that you don’t have to go through it alone. Help is out there – whether in the form of a therapist, an empathetic friend or support groups. Starting the road to healing can be hard, but every step counts.
Finding the balance between the task of caring for your loved one and personal responsibilities is challenging and requires skill and good organization. By focusing on the needs of the ill person, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-neglect. But one of the best things you can do for your loved one is to stay healthy both physically and emotionally. You need to develop your own personal support plan.
Bibliography
- American Psychiatric Association. Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5). APA, 2013.
- World Health Organization. Depression and Other Common Mental Disorders: Global Health Estimates. Geneva, 2017.
- Goldberg, D., & Huxley, P. Common Mental Disorders: A Bio-Social Model. Routledge, 2012
- Kendler, K. S., & Gardner, C. O. Boundaries of Major Depression: An Evaluation of DSM Criteria. American Journal of Psychiatry, 2016.
- Nemade, R., Reiss, N. S., & Dombeck, M. Depression Symptoms and Warning Signs: A Comprehensive Overview. Psych Central, 2020.
- Kessler, R. C., & Bromet, E. J. The Epidemiology of Depression Across Cultures. Annual Review of Public Health, 2013.
Author: Asist. Lecturer Dr. Andreea Moroșan – Psychiatrist
Clinica Med Anima Iași
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