Compatibility with the psychologist:
When Therapy Doesn’t Work With Anyone (Or Anyone)
Every relationship we have with the people around us had a starting point. Whether it was a glance mistakenly exchanged between two bookshelves, a conversation about the weather with a coworker, or perhaps a friendship formed from a simple “Hey, can I sit next to you?”. All relationships, even those that now seem lifelong, have had a beginning at some point. So it is with the therapeutic relationship. We may not think of therapy as a classic relationship, but it is one of the most intimate connections we can form.
❤️ The success of therapy often depends not so much on the type of approach or techniques used, but on the relationship we build with our therapist.
Studies say that the relationship with the therapist contributes about 30% to the effectiveness of therapy.
In other words, it’s not just the words or the methods that matter, but the space that this connection creates for us – that safe place where we can process what we feel without fear of judgment.
Why doesn’t therapy work for everyone?
Or why doesn’t it work with anyone?
🧑🤝🧑 Think of a time when you went to a doctor, a civil servant or any other specialist for advice. When you received a cold, mechanical, perhaps even irritated, response, you left feeling frustrated or ashamed, wondering if you had been inconvenienced. If, on the other hand, the person took the time, tried to understand your context and remained open to dialog, you probably walked away with more confidence and clarity.
This is exactly how the therapeutic relationship works. Some therapists don’t resonate with us for reasons that are hard to explain. Perhaps their voice resembles that of a teacher who humiliated us as children. Maybe the way they look at us reminds us of someone who hurt us. Maybe an almost invisible detail, like their perfume, triggers memories we don’t want to relive. Our brains retain the emotions associated with certain people and project them onto the people we meet now.
Irvin Yalomone of the most influential contemporary psychotherapists, speaks of the therapeutic relationship as a microcosm. What happens in the office can be a reflection of the dynamics we have outside it. If we avoid looking the therapist in the eye, feel uncomfortable at first, or have difficulty expressing our emotions, it is worth asking whether these difficulties occur in other relationships. If we feel listened to, the therapist is not judgmental, and yet something seems wrong, it could be an opportunity to look at how we relate to others in general. This can become a valuable starting point in the therapeutic process.
👉🏻 It’s nobody’s fault that sometimes we can’t connect with a therapist. Just as it’s not our fault if we feel that no one is right for us. Human relationships are extremely complex and therapy is, at its core, a relationship. 👈🏻
What can we do when therapy doesn’t seem to work?
It’s tempting to give up therapy when we feel it’s not working. But before that, we can ask ourselves a few questions:
Is something ANUME bothering me?
Sometimes it’s just a minor detail that can be clarified through communication.
Did I feel listened to and understood?
If the therapist seems disconnected, we can express this. It is important to see if there is room for adjustments in the relationship.
Do I feel safe being vulnerable?
Therapy cannot be effective if we don’t feel comfortable opening up.
Sometimes, though, things don’t line up. Not every therapist is right for every patient, and that’s perfectly normal. Therapy should be a space for growth, not a source of constant discomfort. If after a few sessions we feel we don’t find ourselves there, maybe it’s time to explore another option.
🗣️ Communication – an essential element (also) in therapy
We find it hard to say when something has upset us. We often prefer to withdraw rather than say, “What you said hurt me”. In childhood, we may not have been taught to express discomfort without being rejected. But therapy is the space where we can learn to defend our needs.
If we feel we are not understood, we can say so. Therapy is a two-way process. The relationship is built together, not only by what the therapist offers, but also by what we have the courage to express.
Sometimes changing therapists is the right solution
You are not ‘wrong’ or ‘unfixable’ if you don’t find yourself in a particular practice. Therapy doesn’t ‘work with everyone’ and sometimes it doesn’t work with the first, second or third therapist. But if you have the strength to seek help, it’s worth looking for the right person.
Going to therapy is an act of courage. Insisting until you find the therapist you feel ‘at home’ with is an act of caring.
Psych. Ioana Maria Balint
Psychotherapist
Clinica Med Anima Iași
Bibliography:
- Lambert MJ, Barley DE. Research summary on the therapeutic relationship and psychotherapy outcome. Psychotherapy. 2001;38:357-361
- Norcross, John & Lambert, Michael. (2019). Evidence-Based Psychotherapy Relationship: The Third Task Force. 10.1093/med-psych/9780190843953.003.0001.
- Swift, J. K., Callahan, J. L., Cooper, M., & Parkin, S. R. (2018). The impact of accommodating client preference in psychotherapy: A meta-analysis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(11), 1924-1937. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22680 https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.22680
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