What do we do when 1+1=3?
About infidelity in relationships
In discussing relational infidelity it is absolutely necessary to consider two extremely important concepts: trust and betrayal.
In my office practice, a predominant interest for my clients is infidelity in love and partnership relationships, even though, when approaching the subject with them, we often come to the concepts of “trust” and “betrayal”which are also valid in their other relationships.
In this regard, I will expose a story that I relate to my clients in the office, which is very suggestive of how we can be unfaithful in a couple, betray in various relationships and at the same time have a “good” cause for doing it: that it is out of love, values such as fairness, unmet basic needs, fear of taking responsibility or the desire to save… all are standing explanations for the behavior of betrayal.
Once there was a girl named Andreea. She was in a relationship with Bogdan. Their problem was they lived in two towns separated by a river with crocodiles. The only way to get from one bank to the other was by boat. One day, Andrea really missed Bogdan and wanted to go and see him. So she went to the harbor, found the boatman Cristi and asked him to take her to the other side to meet Bogdan because she missed him. Cristi said he would take her, provided she slept with him. Andreea, worried about getting to Bogdan, comes home, calls Mihai, her best friend, and asks his advice about the condition imposed by Cristi. Mihai tells her that he has nothing to do with her decision and refrains from saying anything. Andreea, disappointed, decides to sleep with Cristi to get to Bogdan, her boyfriend. Then Cristi crosses the river as promised and Andreea reaches Bogdan. She decides to tell her boyfriend what she has been through, and he angrily breaks up with her. The whole scene is noticed by Mircea, who sees Andreea crying and decides to propose. Andreea accepts Mircea’s proposal. The end!
The story also has an exercise for exploring one’s values and as a probing of the unconscious, but for now I wanted to highlight relationships that would involve trust, in which the behavior of betrayal is in various forms.
Considering in relational infidelity the two concepts of trust and betrayal I want to talk a little about them.
ABOUT TRUST
Trust is formed in the first years of life and is closely linked to the attachment style we have acquired in our relationship with our primary caregivers (usually parents). Thus, a secure attachment is a good predictor of trust in others, and an insecure attachment, of the anxious and avoidant type in particular, as well as disorganized, will be less favorable predictors of trust in others. People with anxious attachment will live with the belief that others will leave them and need to stay “clinging” to their partner in order not to lose them, those with avoidant attachment feel that at too much emotional closeness to another, they lose themselves and “run away” so as not to suffer. Those with disorganized attachment are inconstant and vacillate between having the relationship and running away from the relationship, but they fail to make relationships based on trust anyway. So far we have talked about attachment style as a deciding factor in forming trust in others.
Another important factor that can bring a plus or a minus in terms of trust and betrayal in relationships are personality structures, i.e. personality traits, even personality disorders. These are also based on attachment styles and upbringing (the role models we have grown up with) that have contributed to the formation of personal values. Also, stressful events and traumas in the developmental period, especially the first 7 years of life, are important predictors of infidelity.
I give the example of two cases encountered in the practice: Andrei (44 years old) lived in childhood with a father who cheated on his partner (Andrei’s mother) several times, this being the reason for the permanent scandals seen in childhood in the family, he ended up cheating on his partner, taking a similar pattern to his father, despite the fact that this behavior caused him much suffering as a child, and not only.
The other example is George (38 years old), he lived with a father who cheated on his wife and the scandals in the house started from the father’s infidelity, but he managed to make a counter model and decided on a more or less conscious level that he will be anyway but not like his father in terms of infidelity, being currently a faithful partner as well as a reliable person at work, in friendships, collegiality, etc.
What I want to emphasize is that in the same, or at least similar, living conditions, the patterns we form are different, and so are the values we have.
ABOUT BETRAYEL
Betrayal is another side of the same coin, the other side being trust. Trust and betrayal are inversely proportional, when there is trust between partners the chances of there being betrayal are low, or non-existent at the time. So betrayal is also a behavior as a consequence of an insecure attachment style, it depends on the personality structure and values formed. Betrayal behavior also occurs as a result of trauma in this direction, and it is quite possible that the person who has suffered the trauma may end up betraying in turn, precisely as a coping mechanism for that trauma.
FORMS OF INFIDELITY
Infidelity brings a great deal of suffering to both the unfaithful and the betrayed. At the same time, infidelity can be a very good turning point in a couple and in at least 75% of couples it is overcome. It is a good emotional turning point for both partners and the relationship. Most of the time perhaps infidelity is perceived as something final, very dramatic, where one is the victim and the other the abuser. In most situations, both play the constantly changing roles of abuser and victim, and psychological games such as these can lead to a lack of security in the couple, a lack of emotional intimacy and betrayal in one form or another in the end.
This betrayal can take different forms:
- Could be someone other than the couple (cheating)
- It may be an activity of one partner that causes a breakdown in the relationship (various addictions ranging from substance use to running away to work and spending excessive time at work)
- It could be about abandoning plans, expectations and the other person feeling betrayed.
There are many examples of behaviors that lead to feelings of betrayal and in particular, we need to know that betrayal brings with it a lot of insecurity and uncertainty, a lot of room for pain, anger and sadness, ruminative thoughts and feelings of devaluation of oneself and the other person.
How to avoid betrayal?
At some point in life the feeling of betrayal is or will be known to us. Not in all cases can we avoid or have control over the situations in which we will be betrayed. Also from my professional practice I have noticed that there is no human being who has not experienced betrayal or who has not betrayed at some level in a relationship (not necessarily a couple). The important thing is not how to avoid, but how to build yourself up after you feel you have been betrayed. However, I will mention a few elements that bring safety and intimacy in a couple as well as in other relationships, implicitly decreasing the chances of betrayal behavior:
- ✔️ Talk openly with your partner about your needs
- ✔️ Try to be authentic and as close to who you are as possible and encourage your partner to be authentic too
- ✔️ Practice active listening and see what your partner wants to tell you, without anticipating what you think he/she will say/do
- ✔️ Set healthy boundaries where you feel you ‘occupy’ a satisfying space in your couple/relationship
- ✔️ Provides a safe space for the partner to express themselves and be in tune with how they feel
- ✔️ Let your partner know what they are doing right for you, for the relationship and what you are grateful for
The list could go on…but I prefer to focus on how do we overcome infidelity?
How do we overcome infidelity?
With a very good self-awareness… of one’s own limits and one’s own needs first. I’d also say with gentleness, compassion for yourself and for the other person. In the first stage after infidelity there can be a lot of anger and disappointment. Then, as the anger subsides, compassion and acceptance can give way. A sense of safety and acceptance needs to be regained or built to overcome infidelity. It is very often necessary to be accompanied in this process by a psychotherapist, both in individual and couple therapy (to the extent that the continuation of the relationship is still in question). Infidelity is a problem with many ramifications and is very complex, which is why my recommendation is always individual psychotherapy and later, or in parallel, couple psychotherapy. I believe that the two involved in infidelity, the one who has betrayed and the one who has been betrayed, are very wounded and are not necessarily careful to protect the third component in the couple, namely their relationship.
Bibliography
- Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
- Freud, S. (1961). Totem and taboo. Norton & Company.
- Klein, M. (1975). Envy and Gratitude and Other Works. Hogarth Press.
- Winnicott, D. W. (1971). Playing and Reality. Tavistock Publications.
- University of Chicago (2020) Infidelity in romantic relationships – A Behavioral Study. Chicago Journal of Psychology
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