The dynamics of the couple’s relationship after children

Is there life as a couple after your third?

The answer is YES, there is…but a different life.

The transition from two people to three should be seen and experienced as a great joy, but in reality the arrival of a new family member brings many stressful changes to a marriage.

Even if the change is positive, it will be accompanied at the same time by stress and emotional reactions and when emotions are strong, parents can distance themselves, disagree, or on the contrary, they can get closer and this can happen especially if both are involved, loving people who care about the education of their children, if the universe provides them with the necessary resources, and most importantly, if each is at peace with themselves, with themselves.

Changing family with a new baby

The moment a son becomes a father, a daughter becomes a mother, and parents become grandparents, family relationships are completely reconfigured. The reality is that no one will be able to explain to you how your marriage will change after your first child, but it will change.

It is not correct to say that a child changes a marriage, but rather that what you now call a marriage will never exist in the same form.

And it’s perfectly normal to feel blessed, guilty, stressed and panic when the number of family members increases from two to three (or more) and you suddenly find yourself in uncharted territory and stepping on quicksand.

If we take a closer look at every important stage in the lives of couples with children – childhood, the school years, adolescence, moving away from home, adult children returning to the parental home or, on the contrary, never leaving it – will test the couple’s relationship. And these problems cannot be anticipated. In addition, we bring with us baggage from our family of origin – all the unresolved problems of the past – and the stress of moving to a new stage of life.

Adjusting to new family life in threes (or more)

Everyday life can sometimes be confusing and complicated, but it’s also true that simplicity is often the ideal way to deal with the most complicated things. Following a set of simple, intuitive rules that are at our fingertips and that simply remind us of things we may already know can be a real help. As I always explain to clients in the office, it is advisable to start small, don’t put more pressure than what is already there, and move at their own pace. If they try to change too much, too quickly, they can feel overwhelmed and then they will stop doing anything. When we talk about change, we are not talking about big, radical change (unless there is no other way), but we are generally talking about small changes, and it is the direction of change that matters here, not the speed. We summarize below some of these rules to help new parents cope more easily in their new family, with new responsibilities and roles. There is no standard recipe, but every couple, depending on the specifics of their relationship, can extract at least one or two rules that they consider appropriate and implement them. The rules are simple, but making changes and sustaining them over time is not. But everything worth doing takes practice and a successful marriage is no exception. As long as there is goodwill, genuine desire, openness to self-discovery, willingness to make changes and practice them, the couple’s relationship will evolve and change for the better.

Don't neglect your partner because of your child

It is difficult for the left-out parent to see that mother and child are a self-sufficient whole. Of course, roles can change on as the child grows up. But if the mother is now caring more for the child, she needs to make sure that her partner knows that she is just as appreciated, needed and loved, if not more, than before they became parents.

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Don't fall into the trap of good parent - bad parent

The more one parent stands out as the skillful one, the more unskilled the other will gradually become. Watch out for this pattern and break it as soon as possible.

Mothers need to make sure that their partner spends enough time alone with the child – without supervising, criticizing and advising him if he doesn’t ask for it. If he’s clumsy, go into a room where you can’t see him. They do less well when being watched or offered help without having asked for it.

Drop the expert role. Your child needs both parents to be involved in their child’s life and education.

"Nurture" the couple's relationship, not just the baby

Hire a babysitter or enlist the help of someone you trust. Accept your anxiety and don’t let it stop you from leaving your child with someone other than yourself. The longer you put off separation from your child, the more difficult it will be and avoiding it will increase your fear.

Go out on a date with your partner. It would be preferable to agree in advance not to talk about the baby or home in general.

Allow your partner to spend time without you and the baby. Whatever the age of the children, it’s important to give each other time off from family life. In addition, the children will be closer to each of you since they will have the opportunity to spend time with one of you at a time.

Negotiate on an on-going basis

It’s very likely that the issue of your family duties will arise with the first child, even if it wasn’t a cause for argument before. You need to be aware that nothing undermines the closeness between partners more than one or both of them thinking that the division of labor in the family is unfair, when they feel that one is too burdened and the other too relaxed.

If you are unhappy with the way tasks are divided, take responsibility for negotiating. Negotiating is not complaining. Negotiating is saying clearly, without arguing and without blaming the other person, what should be changed.

Set rules and work as a team

There is no one right way to raise a child. What matters is that you respect each other’s opinions and adopt rules that you can both tolerate, even if they don’t perfectly please you. And then you have to be consistent in following them and apply consequences for breaking them. At the same time you need to be flexible in order to revise them when necessary and not to fall into the trap of rigid boundaries that will gradually erect a wall that will become bigger and harder to overcome.

What will stress and dissatisfy children is being caught in the middle, between two parents who cannot agree on education, rules and the consequences of breaking them.

Be flexible about rules and behavior patterns

A hidden cause of stress in marriage and family is clinging to an outdated model of raising children and functioning as a family. There is a big difference between what you want and what actually happens. You can’t raise children today if you’re anchored in the ideas about family that were valid decades ago. Times have changed and the way we spend family time has changed too.

For example, it’s possible that when you’re all sitting at the dinner table, everyone is eating something different (one family member may be dieting or vegetarian) and doing something different, having different preoccupations (teenager texting under the table while answering mom’s question about how school was today, the brother to be late for lunch because he is talking to his best friend, the father to start a discussion about the fact that he is unhappy that he is always late for work in the morning because the teenager is always late for work because the teenager can’t finish fixing the mirror, etc). That doesn’t mean giving up efforts to consider dinner a special occasion if that’s important to the family. Just keep in mind that parenting is a much more complex thing these days and trying to control every little detail and enforcing rigid boundaries and rules might not help, quite the contrary.

Don't make your partner the bad guy

If we do not agree with certain rules, it is our duty to have these discussions with our partner, not to ally ourselves with the child, as if we were powerless in the face of a dictator. Once we have agreed to abide by it, we should own the decision, not try to make nice with the child by telling them that the other person is to blame for their disappointment.

As tempting as it may be to let your partner be the enforcer of boundaries and discipline, it will come at a cost to both the marriage and the relationship with the child and the over-responsible partner will harbor resentment. Even if you seem like the positive character in the short term, in the long term you are sending the children the message that you are not capable of behaving like an adult. They either won’t respect you or they’ll take you as a role model, one they shouldn’t follow. Watch out for this hidden triangle that involves getting closer to your child at the expense of your partner.

Don't focus on doing things JUST right

Don’t be too hard on yourself and your partner if you don’t get things right. In times of stress the risk of falling into a dysfunctional stress pattern is very high. It doesn’t help to look for an ideal formula, it doesn’t help to “tailor” the child to certain ideal patterns, what really helps is being authentic and forgiving with ourselves, recognizing our vulnerabilities and perhaps most importantly, asking for help.

Tips for your new family life

Finally, some tips that can be included in every parent’s must-have kit:

don’t try to do everything by yourself
expect to panic sometimes
beware of perfectionism like the plague
don’t try to mold your child after your own pattern or an ideal pattern
don’t try to predict the future of your child
the appearance of children will arouse the most inexplicable feelings, stay with them, don’t run away from them
don’t focus too much of your attention on your child
live your life (not someone else’s) as best you can
scan and reduce your own stress and anxiety levels

And don’t forget to be patient and gentle with yourself, applying those rules that suit you and ignoring the others. Sometimes it’s enough to use simple, common-sense rules, other times it’s necessary to “use our imagination, intuition or empathy” to look at the situation from another perspective, put ourselves in the other person’s shoes and find the right solutions.

Bibliography:

  1. Lerner H, (2017) The marriage guide: guidance for those married or in a relationship. Herald Publishing.
  2. Lerner H. (2022). The dance of relationships: How to talk when we feel angry, hurt, scared, frustrated, offended, betrayed, betrayed, or desperate. Herald Publishing
  3. LaKelly Hunt H., Hendrix H. (2022). couple’s diary: Get the love you want. Herald Publishing.

Psych. Luminița Achirei – Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist with training in Systemic Couple and Family Psychotherapy – Med Anima Clinic Iasi

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