advice from the psychologist’s office:
Temper tantrums in children. How to calm your child’s nerves?
Every day parents face various problems in their relationships with their children. They look for solutions, but do not always find the right solution. Among the most common problems in children’s behavior, parents mention: disobedience, aggressiveness, stubbornness, caprice, closed-mindedness, fear, anger, bullying, lying, etc.
If the parent does not know the motivation of the child’s negative behavior, does not let the child bear the consequences of his choice, does not treat the child with respect and does not support self-esteem, then it is definitely time to study and apply new strategies in child education. Not knowing the causes of the child’s negative behavior is a serious obstacle in solving the problem.
In order to understand and successfully manage the causes of behavior, it is necessary to understand that children’s actions are based on emotions.
Emotion can be classified as a defense system, because psychologically, emotion affects an individual’s attention, ability and speed of reaction, including the individual’s behavior. Physiologically, emotions control responses to certain situations, including facial expression, vocal tone, and the endocrine system to prepare the body for certain consequences. Emotions arise as a result of how a person interprets a particular event. Naturally emotions can be positive, negative and neutral.
Positive emotions are expressed by: joy, interest, sympathy, sympathy, delight, enthusiasm, gratitude, attachment, esteem, gratitude, confidence, pride, calm/quietness, security, etc. Positive emotions represent the psycho-emotional security of the individual.
Negative emotions occur when there is a contradiction between what happens to or what a person gets and their expectations. For example: grief, anger, anger, fear, shame, disgust, contempt/hatred, sadness, disappointment, worry, anxiety, dissatisfaction, dissatisfaction, grief, despair, hopelessness, despair, regret, envy, regret, guilt, boredom, annoyance, anger, indignation, etc. Negative emotions reveal psycho-emotional insecurity.
Neutral emotions can be: wonder, astonishment/surprise, curiosity, indifference, indifference, a sense of responsibility, etc.
Hereditary factors play an important role in the development of the emotional structure of the child’s personality, in setting the magnitude of thresholds for experiencing one emotion or another.
Interaction factors acquired by the child through individual experience and learning in the emotional area, particularly in early childhood, between 6 months and 2 years. This refers to the skills for expressing emotions and patterns of behavior associated with emotions.
Knowing and preventing the causes of the child’s negative behavior will greatly reduce the occurrence of undesirable behaviors.
What can you do about tantrums? How to deal with problems?
Rudolf Dreikurs (1968) argues that in order to solve problems in your child’s behavior, it is necessary to pay attention to and act according to the following fundamental principles:
- Seek to understand the reasons for your child’s negative behavior. What is the purpose and reward?
- Let the child bear the consequences of their choice.
- Treat your child with respect, no matter how disrespectful their behavior is.
- Encourage your child. Do everything in your power to support their self-esteem.
Causes of tantrums and unwanted behavior in children
Unwanted behavior: disobedience
Disobedience is the refusal to listen, to fulfill obligations, assignments or lessons.
Causes:
- Making difficult or mutually exclusive requirements;
- Breach of communication ethics and rules of conduct;
- Mismatch between the parents’ requirements for the child;
- Non-pedagogical methods of education;
- Insufficient parental attention;
- Lack of trust or attachment between you and your child;
- Prevalence of punishment over incentive.
Unwanted behavior: aggression
Aggression is actions that are intended to cause moral, psychological or physical harm, or to cause harm to another person.
Causes:
- Your authoritarian upbringing, tyrannical behavior;
- Deformation of the family value system;
- Omissions in children’s moral education;
- Too many restrictions and bans on the child;
- Imitating movie or cartoon heroes;
- Feeling hungry and tired;
- Child’s tendency to self-assertiveness.
Undesirable behavior: stubbornness
Stubbornness is a child’s tendency not to give in and get what he or she wants by being angry or confrontational.
Causes:
- Disrupted relationships between you and your child;
- Your inability to support him in a difficult situation;
- Ignoring the interests and needs of the child;
- Assert your authority by force.
Unwanted behavior: tantrums or temper tantrums
Temper tantrums are behaviors such as screaming, crying, throwing things or slamming the door.
Causes:
- Careless words spoken by you or other family members;
- Lack of demand from you or other adults;
- Your negative reaction to whimsy;
- The child’s illness;
- Excessive love from you;
- Fulfill all wishes of the child by adults;
- Unmotivated repression of the child’s independence;
- Overexcitation of the child’s nervous system.
Undesirable behavior: closed-mindedness
The closed character manifests itself in isolation, silence, shyness or lack of communication. cause harm to someone else.
Causes:
- Your authoritarian parenting style;
- The child’s age and individual peculiarities;
- The shortcomings of the education system.
Unwanted behavior: fear
Fear is a state of anxiety, insecurity and stress, accompanied by a need for constant reassurance.
Causes:
- Lack of a safe and protective environment;
- Stressful family events (illness, divorce, conflict);
- Aggressive images from movies, cartoons or the community;
- Your overprotective style;
- Frightening the child to control him;
- Constant criticism or expecting too much of yourself;
- Dependence on your protection.
Unwanted behavior: anger
Anger is an intense feeling of indignation, manifested by yelling, crying, aggression or throwing objects.
Causes:
- Not meeting your child’s needs;
- Child degradation;
- Enforcement;
- Communication ethics;
- Your unfair attitude towards the child;
- Illness.
Unwanted behavior: bully
A bully is a child who uses physical confrontation, violence or fighting.
Causes:
- A desire to get attention from yourself or other family members;
- Competition between children;
- Oppression of the younger child by the older child;
- Lack of justice and discipline in the family.
Undesirable behavior: lying
Lying is the deliberate distortion of the truth.
Causes:
- The child lies to get out of trouble or to impress;
- The desire to receive your love and recognition;
- The method of getting something at any cost;
- Fear of punishment;
- Overly harsh family discipline;
- Feign illness to avoid responsibility.
Knowing the causes is not enough to remove your child’s behavior problem. Observing and applying the following strategies in your child’s upbringing will help you to considerably decrease unwanted behaviors.
How we manage Disobedience
- Exclude frequent criticism;
- Do not consider disobedience an exclusive phenomenon;
- Express regret for the child’s behavior;
- Communicate benevolently, without reproach or raised tone;
- Show love and attention.
How we deal with Aggression
- Teach them to understand other people’s feelings and have compassion;
- Suggest activities that use their energy constructively;
- Create a calm and benevolent atmosphere;
- Formulates demands respecting the child’s personality;
- Control your anger and show affection.
How we manage stubbornness
- Show firmness and perseverance without getting upset;
- Don’t belittle him and avoid constraints;
- Postpone resolving controversial issues;
- Involve their friends in conflict resolution;
- Control your emotions.
How we manage Whims
- Take his attention away from the source of his whims;
- Keep calm and don’t give in;
- Avoid threats or physical punishment;
- Create a positive atmosphere at home;
- Teach him to take no for an answer.
How we manage the Closed Character:
- Boost her self-confidence;
- Show patience and tact;
- Draw them into group activities and encourage them to be sociable;
- Show her tenderness and love.
How we manage Fear
- Offer emotional support in times of crisis;
- Listen to him and discuss his fears;
- Help them to understand critical situations correctly;
- Avoid excessive criticism and show love.
How we manage Anger
- Keep calm;
- Exclude the punishment and let him calm down;
- Take his attention away from the source of his anger.
How we manage the bully child
- Clarify the cause of the clashes;
- Separate the children and let them calm down;
- Set clear rules and give examples of fairness.
How we deal with Lying
- Encourage him to trust you;
- Show him how to find solutions to problems;
- Avoid harsh punishments and behave gently;
- Don’t lie in turn.
Temper tantrums in children: Conclusions
Negative emotions occur when there is a contradiction between what happens to you or what you get and your expectations, thus revealing a state of psycho-emotional insecurity. Your child, being a very much an imitative learner, needs guidance, support and understanding from you, his main anchor. You have a duty to help your child develop the ability to recognize, express and manage emotions. You can be guided by a few simple principles: seek to understand the reasons for your child’s negative behavior, find out what purpose and reward he is seeking, let him bear the consequences of his choices, treat him with respect, no matter how disrespectful his behavior, and always encourage him.
Bibliography
- Dreikurs Rudolf Dreikurs, Grey Loren, 1968, Logical consequences: A New Approach to Discipline. New York: Plume.
- Shapiro Stanley, Skinulis Karen, Skinulis Karen, Skinulis Richard, 1999, How to become better parents: A practical guide. București: Humanitas, 192 р.
- Ștefaneț-Beșleaga, D. (2010). Ways of preventing and overcoming behavioral disorders in children. Psychology, scientific-practical journal, (3), 77-82.
- Gray, D. (2002). Children from Heaven. Moscow: Sofia .
- Dreikurs, R., & Grey, L. (1968). Logical consequences: A new approach to discipline. (No Title).
- Zubenschi, E., & Zubenschi, M. (2021). Influence of psycho-emotional security in family and behavioral manifestations in children. Case study. In Psychosocial aspects of psychological security and its social manifestations in children (pp. 108-122).
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