Supporting children after divorce
How to answer their questions about changes in the family
Divorce is one of the most confusing and distressing events most people ever go through. Many experts believe that divorce is the second most traumatic event after the death of a child or a parent.
Divorce is like “death” for parents and children and when you divorce you have to bury a relationship that has died and you have to allow yourself to mourn the loss, to live and express the pain, not run away from it by escaping into new relationships or addictions. Both parents and children must allow the old structure to disappear so that new structures can form.
Family change with divorce
The experience of divorce is lived within each member’s wider family system and this complicates matters, as we are talking about the implications of a multi-generational system that defines their loyalties and ties to their parents, brothers, sisters and grandparents. It is easy to understand that such an event occurring in the system will create shock waves and the whole system may lose its balance. Divorce can deeply hurt some members of the system, but at the same time they can help and become important emotional and financial resources.
What happens to children before the divorce and only find out after?
When a couple gets divorced, from the therapist’s role we often see a mixture of grief, sadness and frustration, built up over years. It is hard to understand how it is possible that the path of love can gradually spiral so steeply down a downward slope of hurt and anger, or especially how it is possible that partners stay in a marriage for years out of a desire to “protect their children” only to use them as weapons and turn them against the other parent.
Staying together for the sake of children can do more harm than good.
It’s not infrequent in the office that I’ve heard now-grown children say that “they used to pray that their parents would divorce” or that “wished they would split up so they wouldn’t fight so much” or that “the day when my mother went abroad to work was the most painful and at the same time the happiest day of my life, because since then the fighting and violence stopped”. 🙁
As a couples therapist I would not recommend divorce as an easy way to escape the prison of unhappiness. I firmly believe that all ways to mend the rift should be fought for and tried, but if all attempts have been doomed to failure, do not do your children a favor by keeping them trapped in a loveless family without a model for a healthy and loving marriage. The fact is that it is far worse for children to live in an unhappy marriage full of tension, anger, manipulation, manipulation, lack of affection than to go through the transition period of a divorce. They may even have healthier, happier, more competent and stronger parents after this period.
What happens to children during divorce?
If it is so hard for an adult to go through this process, think about what a child who may have ambivalent feelings towards their parents can feel and these feelings can turn their life upside down. Remember that a child does not give up his parents, but he has to adapt to overwhelming changes resulting from the loss of his family structure. During divorce, ‘home’ can become an emotionally unsafe environment and at school they can feel very vulnerable, disconnected and hurt.
How can we help them? We can prepare them by anticipating the avalanche of questions that will overwhelm them, questions that may or may not be asked. But in order to see their suffering, we must not allow ourselves to be brought to our knees by our own suffering and remain as objective observers as possible. Below is some information that has proved useful in practice and has helped children to adapt more easily to all these changes.
Some tips to help your children during divorce and after divorce:
👉Don’t rush to tell your children about your decision to divorcedon’t do it on the spur of the moment and don’t try to assume an individual position out of a desire to be the first to tell them. You as parents first discuss when and how you will tell your children and do this together.
👉 Help your children understand that from now on they will be part of two new family systemseach headed by a single parent and that these systems operate independently of each other
👉 Help them let go of the belief that their former family will continue to existin the same structure after the parents separate and divorce
👉 Help them stop trying to get their parents to get back together and accept the finality of their parents’ decision to divorce.
👉 Do not criticize the other parent’s choice of romantic partners or parenting decisions. If you have concerns, address them in person, without your child hearing them.
👉 Under no circumstances encourage children to be spiesgossip, gossip the other parent or be a message carrier. This can create many guilt feelings and loyalty conflicts
👉 Help your children explore their own feelings without influencing them. If you find it difficult to make positive comments, neutral statements about the other parent are better than negative ones
👉 Agree to share the children’s things, so they feel comfortable in both homes. It’s not desirable for them to always be lugging a suitcase from one parent to the other and always feel like they are ‘visiting’ one parent
👉 Do not allow children to manipulate you or take advantage of your hostility and lack of effective communication with each other to gain things or other advantages
👉 Be honest with them but don’t turn them into your confidants and burden them with more than they can handle.otherwise you run the risk of over-empowering them and turning them into parentified children
👉 Strive to develop a positive and objective attitude to custody and planning access to children
👉 Don’t let your children down by being inconsistent or unpredictable. Children feel extremely hurt if you cancel the time you are supposed to spend with them, if you are late to pick them up or bring them back earlier than planned
👉 Even if you have lost trust in your partner as a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend, try to trust him/her as a parent and give up the urge to get too involved in his/her life or to control what he/she does with the children
👉 Learn to rebuild your life, transforming it into one where you grow on all levels, become self-satisfied and optimistic about the future. Your sense of well-being and hope will influence your children’s adjustment in extraordinary ways
👉 Do not forbid or severely limit the relationship with the other parent. Children need both parents in their livesotherwise they can suffer significant emotional damage
👉 Children should be the first to hear of your plans to remarry and they should hear it from you. Don’t be surprised if they express any negative feelings, often it’s fear of the unknown and having to give up their fantasy that the family will perhaps be reunited one day.
Of course that this preparation and support for children in the divorce process takes place when we are talking about two adults who are capable of not putting their own suffering before that of their children. The reality is that pain and suffering often make parents pull out the big guns and start a real war of egos, not realizing that the first victims will be their own children. Anger and the desire for revenge unfortunately often take control and children often become mediators, bearers of messages between parents or, worse still, weapons that one or both parents can use to win the battle. In these situations, the support and help offered to these children cannot come from within the family but from outside the family, through the counselor, psychologist, psychotherapist, relatives or other significant attachment figures in the children’s lives.
The good thing is that children are usually very adaptable and over time they will adjust to the differences in parenting styles and values. It’s an adjustment process that takes time and you can expect to witness some frustration, boundary testing but these changes are temporary and are indicators of your child’s adjustment to the divorce.😊
Conclusions
In conclusion, divorce is a difficult process with many challenges, especially emotional, for both parents and children. It is essential that parents remain focused on the best interests of their children, provide a supportive environment and avoid making them victims of their own conflicts. Even in the midst of pain and frustration, it is important to prioritize children’s emotional adjustment and well-being. With mutual support, open communication, and respect for the other parent, children can successfully overcome this transition period. Time, patience and the involvement of professionals can also help both adults and children to rebuild their lives and reach a state of balance and happiness after divorce.
Psych. Luminița Achirei
Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist with Systemic Couple and Family Psychotherapy Training
Clinica Med Anima Iași
Bibliography:
- Everett C. & Everett S.V. (1988): Healthy Divorce; Fourteen Stages of Separation, Divorce and Remarriage, P.H. Jossey Bass
- Gold L. (1992): Between Love and Hate. A Guide to Civilized Divorce, New York, P.H. Springer
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