On the need for validation
a normality too often misunderstood
How many times haven’t you heard it yourself about how important it is to love yourself before you love others? Many times, for sure. The exhortation rings resounding on all the social networks, on all the recent blogs of those with or without a human inclination.
Moreover, even the people we meet in real everyday life suddenly stop the emotions we feel to share by giving us the “saving solution”: Love yourself, if you want others to love you! And most of the time we are left with the feeling of being misunderstood, rejected or judged, and most of all – with the feeling of overwhelming confusion.
A little theory about human needs
The American psychologist Abraham Maslow developed between 1943-1954 a very important motivational theory on hierarchy of human needs. He sees them as part of a pyramid, built on 5 levels: physiological needs, the need for safety/security, the need for belonging, the need for self-esteem and the need to actualize potential. According to the Needs Pyramidin order to reach a higher level, it is imperative to fulfill the needs subordinate to it.
As you can see, each of us has to constantly fulfill the most important of our needs, the physiological ones (hunger, thirst, shelter, sleep, warmth and reproduction) at the base of the pyramid in order to hope for higher goals. Once these are satisfied, man experiences the need for security, for a predictable life and a protective environment to facilitate further development. This need is also satisfied within the family of origin, and gradually in all the environments that cultivate responses to the problems of everyday life (hospital, police, school). In other words, we need to feel that we can rely on others or on other systems that we find responsible and competent to maintain our well-being. A concrete example is the child who cries neither from hunger nor thirst nor from cold, but perhaps from some other kind of discomfort that he signals to his mother, from whom he expects her to recognize his need to provide for him, to hold him and to relieve his suffering (whatever form it takes).

Moving up the pyramid, each of us then comes to feel the need to belong. It is the first moment in our psychic development when we have a real need to share love, to feel part of a group, to connect emotionally with others. It is the time when we want to bond friendships or close relationships with some people, feeling to show our authenticity and wanting to be accepted for it. This need may be even more intense and more quickly fulfilled in childhood for children who have grown up in abusive environments – it is precisely the relationships developed with peers or other trusted people that make their lives easier if the need for security on a lower floor is not fulfilled in the family.
We then access the need for good self-esteem self-esteem which gives the feeling of being unique, of having dignity, of having confidence in your own abilities. It is built on and absolutely dependent on the respect and validation of others. It is also from childhood that everyone’s self-image is created, which is why we understand how important it is what we hear others say about us. In the first years of life, everything we come to believe about ourselves comes from how others relate to us. And taking all of their versions at their word can be a blessing or a great misfortune depending on what labels we receive.
At the top of the pyramid and the hardest to fulfill is the need to actualize potentialwhich, according to Maslow, requires each of us to become all that we are capable of becoming. Some may want to fulfill their professional, artistic or relational potential, while others have great potential to be great parents, for example. In reality, however, this need is only temporarily, transiently fulfilled, with people experiencing rather peak moments of self-actualization.
With these lines, we discover that the need for validation is at the top of the list of universally valid human needs, something we all crave at least once in a while, absolutely necessary to move forward.
What is validation though?
Starting from simple to complex, according to the Explanatory Dictionary of the Romanian language, the term valid implies to be “accepted as true, authentic; which is recognized as having a value, a foundation, a basis”.
In a psychological sense, to be validated is to be valued as important.
From the very beginning of our life on earth we are absolutely dependent on being seen and supported at every step. Imagine how you would have learned to take your first steps, speak coherent sentences and hold a pencil in your right hand if your parents and teachers had not validated your efforts! Imagine who you would be today if you didn’t receive any compliments, and what would you know about yourself if you hadn’t been told? How else would you have known how to have found solutions to life’s challenges if you didn’t receive guidance or even moral support from others?
Validation means being seen with all our emotions, weaknesses and abilities. It means receiving feedback on what we express. A considerable experiment in this respect is that of Edward Tronick and co-workers (1972) called the Still do experiment which proves the state of agitation and anxiety of children that suddenly occurs when they no longer receive any facial feedback from their mother. If we receive no response from others, who are completely indifferent and cold to our experiences, we immediately feel negative emotions and feelings of frustration. Fear, guilt, shame are the emotions that subtly hide behind anger or sadness that send, as best they can, the message that not being validated is painful.
How can validation help?
In a broad sense, validation is a pillar of strength in building self-identity and relationshipsbut also in acquiring the courage to evolve.
A recent study from 2023 examines the importance of social validation from social media platforms on self-esteem, establishing social status, and gaining a sense of belonging. By simply being listened to, and not just heard as background hum, by just being looked at and supported with presence at an emotionally difficult time, we feel that our emotions and we as a whole are important enough to be taken into account.
Among the validating responses of everyday human experience can be:
I understand you’re angry, you have every right to feel that!
Sorry you’re going through a breakup! I’m here for you as much as you’ll let me be!
Congratulations, I’m proud of you!
I like the way you think! / You cook very well! / I appreciate your honesty / courage / kindness!
Even if you still can’t get where you want to go, I’m still behind you!
We all get embarrassed sometimes! I’ll tell you what makes me feel ashamed, and if you feel comfortable, I’m here for you to share!
To better understand the concept, it helps to know what it means to invalidate.
Through the following examples of remarks we can feel not only that we are not accepted, but even being rejected, denied and judged:
- Stop exaggerating! Nothing to complain about!
- Others have it worse, you have nothing to be sad about.
- Stop thinking about what happened to you!
- You know I love you, what’s the point in telling you?
- You need to be confident, not expect others to praise you!
And classical:
- You have to love yourself for others to love you!
Following on this idea is the opinion of author Lindsay C. Gibson who talks about the need to connect with others and receive validation as a natural thingand not evidence of addiction. We have an instinctive orientation towards others, wanting to find any form of relief especially when subjective or objective stress intervenes. And this is what makes people adaptable – having others in close proximity who can actively respond to the need to be seen and accepted. And she also, in a brave assumption, states that only emotionally immature people see the need for empathy, appreciation, understanding or acceptance as evidence of weakness.
“For all mammals, and humans are no exception, something miraculous takes place when this need to be comforted is satisfied.”
Man, more than any other being, finds numerous reasons to be against himself, and has the greatest need of consolation. Especially when he doubts that he is worthy of love and appreciation he needs to be validated. Imagine that each one of us has a container, smaller or larger, of self-esteem. When the container is emptied for various reasons, the person has no strength left until another comes along and puts scraps of care and attention into the reservoir. Further, each of us will then have the chance to multiply them. This need is felt as much as the need for food – sometimes we are absolutely hungry for appreciation and reassurance that we are doing things right. Then the validation of others is the surest source of regaining hope that we will make it through.
At the end of this article we mention that any need is good to remain just that, a transitory deficit that we want to satisfy in order to regain well-being. None of them should turn into an obsession. Validation from others is like a caress from time to time, and has a special charm if we get it on demand or spontaneously. It’s pointless if we just crave it.
Bibliography:
- Ihensekien, O. A., & Joel, A. C. (2023). Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and Frederick Herzberg’s Two-Factor Motivation Theories: Implications for Organizational Performance.The Romanian Economic Journal, 85.
- McLeod, S. (2007). Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.Simply psychology, 1(1-18).
- Ballara, Noli. (2023). The Power of Social Validation: A Literature Review on How Likes, Comments, and Shares Shape User Behavior on Social Media. International Journal of Research Publication and Reviews. 4. 3355-3367. 10.55248/gengpi.4.723.51227
- Lindsay C. Gibson – Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. How you can heal from distant, empathyless, selfish parents; trans. From English: Roxana Iordache – 2nd ed: Herald, 2022; pp. 137-138
- (931) Still Face Experiment Dr. Edward Tronick – YouTube
Author: Psih. Alexandra Anghel – Clinical psychologist – Med Anima Clinic Iasi
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