How to live with borderline personality disorder
Studies show that there is a genetic predisposition and environmental factors that lead to the symptoms of the disorder. Borderline personality disorder comes with many difficulties, on many levels, both related to the sufferer alone and in interpersonal relationships.
We explain below how people with borderline personality disorder may feel about each symptom.
Symptoms of borderline personality disorder:
1. Sustained effort to avoid abandonment by others
There may be times when the person next to you will try to spend a lot of time with you, but there are times when, for objective reasons, you can’t be with this person (e.g. you are busy at work, etc.). In these cases the person will express sadness or anger towards you.
2. Intense fear of being abandoned
The loved one feels, and sometimes declares, that their partner will leave them, asking and wanting assurances that this will not happen (e.g. do you still love me, do you still want to be with me?).
3. They think they are “bad” or “worthless”
Especially in the aftermath of a violent reaction (physically or verbally), these people feel guilty or ashamed, which is a very strong feeling that can affect their functionality on the day (e.g. they will retreat to a room).
4. Doesn’t tolerate loneliness and needs someone to be near
It can be seen that the person next to you who suffers from borderline personality disorder constantly states that they need you to be around, either physically or by phone.
5. Moving quickly from idealizing to devaluing your partner and the people around you
He gets very strongly attached to you, but if there is a conflict, he gets very emotionally involved and no longer trusts you or wants to be in that relationship.
6. Feeling that their partner is not enough for them, that they do not offer enough
He is always asking for more and more attention from you and often blames you for not being there for him.
7. Has an unstable and self-critical self-image
He may say bad things about himself, thinking himself worthless or unworthy, or that nothing good deserves to happen to him. These people do not have a clearly defined image of themselves, they do not know exactly who they are, what their values are, what they like/don’t like to do, and they can often change the way they talk, the way they behave, depending on the people they are with, taking these traits from others. This is very frustrating for them, not wanting this to happen again.
If you’re in a long-term relationship with someone with borderline, you may be one of the few people who really see them, which means they trust you.
8. Increased impulsivity (reckless driving, excessive spending, etc.)
We can see that he makes decisions on impulse, whether it’s an argument with a boss that may lead to resignation or changing jobs, giving up a beneficial job or engaging in behaviour that harms him financially (excessive shopping) or physically (unprotected sex, alcohol abuse, drugs).
It is important not to engage in or encourage such behaviours, because no matter how fun they may be at the time, they can harm the person in the long run.
9. Self-mutilation
There are times when a person suffering from borderline personality disorder feels overwhelmed by what they feel inside, which are very strong emotions that they cannot name or manage, and then they cause themselves external, physical pain to alleviate the pain inside. Suicidal thoughts may also occur. It’s important to pay attention to the person next to you.
10. Sadness, anxiety, irritability
It lasts a few hours and only rarely a few days: it’s hard to control the anger, and behind the anger is a feeling of sadness, anxiety, shame or guilt. Anger is just what we see on the surface, but underneath it is a much more painful emotion. Even if the person next to you seems to be expressing anger, through verbal or physical violence, they really want to tell you that they are in pain.
11. The feeling of inner emptiness
A person with borderline may state that they have never felt complete – they have always felt that something is missing inside them, or that they are lonely and have tried to fill that void with various short-lived pleasures (e.g. very intense love affairs, sweets). This feeling of inner emptiness is very deep and you may hear from your loved one that they can’t enjoy anything and that no matter how many beautiful experiences they have, it’s still not enough and something seems to be missing.
What we can do if we have a close relationship with a person with borderline personality disorder:
- Speak compassionately: we can imagine the following metaphor: a person suffering from borderline is a person without skin. Any small stimulus from the outside touches it directly on the living flesh, and then whatever is felt is much more pronounced, is much stronger and more intense.
- Notice the emotion behind it: behind the anger, there is a painful emotion for the borderline person. You need to see that the person is not malicious, but just has a hard time understanding and managing their emotions
- Be there for them: there are times when the person is struggling with suicidal thoughts, and there will be times when they will need you to be there to protect them
- Separate the person as a whole from the borderline personality disorder: sometimes it is difficult to see beyond the symptoms, it is also difficult for us to manage these situations, but in this way we can better manage the manifestations and see other things in our loved one: talents, qualities, abilities
- Don’t stigmatise: Accept emotions as valid emotions even if you don’t understand why they feel that way or what triggered the emotion, or if it seems to you that you wouldn’t react the same way in a similar situation.
- Gently direct them to specialist help (e.g. psychiatrist, psychologist, psychotherapist) for treatment and support: they will receive understanding and compassion from specialists. Psychotherapy will help in learning skills to cope with emotions and finding healthier behaviours.
Learn more about borderline personality disorder:
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Are you dealing with borderline personality disorder or do you know someone in this situation and want to share your personal experience?
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