Human relationships have always been a primary element in our lives. One of the reasons humanity has reached its current level of civilisation has been our ability to create relationships and partnerships that support and help each other. Whether that help comes in the form of resource sharing, professional help or emotional support, being in relationships of any kind has been beneficial to us as a species and it has become a basic need to have close and trusting relationships. Precisely because relationships are so important to us and our well-being, they also provide fertile ground for abuse and manipulation. That’s because while we are socially motivated and want to work together, there is also that part of us that wants power and dominance over others. Although it is a normal instinct that each of us has to some extent, unattended, this instinct can hurt our loved ones and destroy our relationships.

The effects of emotional blackmail on individuals and relationships

Emotional blackmail often has negative effects on relationships and mental health. Even though emotional blackmail seems like an effective tool to get what we want in a relationship, over time it erodes relationships that become strained, creates a general sense of insecurity and has disastrous consequences for the individual.

Relationships of any kind in which emotional blackmail is used are full of resentment and often lack mutual trust. It is difficult to speak openly and communicate your needs, expectations and boundaries in a healthy way and create a healthy relationship when you fear the other person’s reaction and end up feeling guilty if you try to communicate a boundary.

The individual who is emotionally blackmailed ends up with low self-esteem, guilt (even in situations where it is not appropriate), and tends to withdraw into himself. He finds it very difficult to express his relational and personal needs and it can affect his ability to make decisions that would be to his advantage to avoid upsetting or disappointing and to avoid another personal attack from the manipulator.

Unfortunately, these effects do not remain only in the relationship with the manipulator, but tend to generalize, i.e. the person ends up acting like this in most of the contexts and relationships he/she has. They don’t express their needs and boundaries in other relationships either and end up in low quality relationships.

What do we do if we encounter people who use emotional blackmail?

Sometimes it is difficult to identify controlling and manipulative behaviours on ourselves, especially when we are talking about a more subtle form such as emotional blackmail. Although it is impossible to prevent these behaviours because they are not in our control – we have no way of controlling what others will do – but we can reduce the impact of these behaviors on ourselves.

While it is possible to feel empathy towards others, it is important to recognise that reactions such as victimisation, threats, blaming and other behaviours in the range of emotional blackmail should not be accepted just for the sake of keeping peace in the relationship.

Every time we allow and accept such behaviours from someone, the message that reaches them is that these behaviours are acceptable and effective and they will surely continue to use them. In this case it is important to know our personal values and limits and to communicate them consistently to discourage the manipulator from using emotional blackmail.

However, communicating boundaries and needs to a person who is used to using emotional blackmail can lead to the creation of moments of anger and initially more intense use of emotional blackmail techniques. That’s why it’s important that before you confront the handler, you make sure you can maintain a firm stance and stay safe during the confrontation. Seeing someone you trust or a psychotherapist can help with this.

What do we do if we use emotional blackmail?

Sometimes, especially if you have been a victim of emotional blackmail in the past, you may resort to such methods of emotional manipulation without realising how damaging they are to your relationships or to the people you relate to.

To stop thisbehaviour it’s important to recognize and accept that you resort to such behaviours and that they affect your relationships with people you care about. The next step is take responsibilityfor these actions and learn more effective ways to communicate what you need or want in a relationship.

A psychotherapeutic process can help you on your journey to change. The therapeutic setting is a safe space where you can explore those thoughts, emotions and feelings that lead to the choice to use emotional blackmail techniques. It’s also a space where you can develop better communication skills, problem-solving or healthy relationship skills with loved ones or people you work with.

Conclusions

We are human and we are prone to such behaviours, especially if we have not learned to communicate our needs effectively or manage our emotions properly, but these are skills we can learn.

Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and behaviours and the good thing is that we can decide how we act. Even if you are someone who uses emotional blackmail in relationships (more or less consciously) to get what you want, or who is frequently blackmailed, it is possible to correct this behaviour regardless of your situation and over time you can enjoy meaningful and healthy relationships.