Effects of divorce on children

I don’t want to choose between mom and dad!

Divorce is the final form of marital dissolution, with far-reaching effects on both partners and their offspring.

The child is the being most affected by events in the family. A child’s harmonious development is directly proportional to the relationships within the family. Resolving problems amicably supports the child in developing a sense of responsibility and the ability to overcome obstacles at different stages of life . Divorțul părinților duce la scăderea încrederii copilului în propriile puteri, și ajută la dezvoltarea sentimentului de vinovăție și agresivitate.

The negative consequences of divorce on the child can be:

Short-term consequences:
anxiety
stress
mood swings
irritability
sadness
disappointment etc.

 

For example:

This discussion below takes place between parents in time ce child stands in-a corner, listen and is close from what in ce May much in itself by fact that is feels fenced by people his attachment. Anxiety Child is inevitable then when those doi parents duke wrestling one with each other via via or:

Father : “Lately I can’t get along with my child – nothing is to his liking, he is always dissatisfied and irritable, he has closed himself off and doesn’t communicate, I am sure that he is influenced by his mother.”

Mom: “I don’t influence the child, I just tell him the truth (that you don’t care about him anymore), but you always say bad things about me.”

Father:I care about him, but I want him to see the reality that his mother is doing everything she can to take him away from his father. If you really cared about him, you wouldn’t do that.”

“Ever since we split up, our little girl is always angry, she’s always bad-mouthing us and yelling. There’s definitely something wrong with her.” “Because every one of you is pulling at me and I have to be your messenger, because of the fact that you don’t want to talk directly to each other. I’m not your psychologist, solve your own problems, you’re adults!”

When parents are experiencing communication problems and try to communicate with each other only through the child, it is natural that the child will experience mood swings or irritability.

We have to admit that it is totally unpleasant and disturbing when the most important people in your life, who you would expect to handle things maturely and responsibly, expect you to do 90% of the work they should be doing to regain their balance.

Long-term consequences:
behavioral and social problems
problems in couples
susceptibility to substance abuse
poor education and socio-economic position etc.

In general, after divorce each parent sets a new set of limits and rules for the child, often trying to bring the child closer to them and away from the other parent who may impose stricter rules – then they conclude that the child has been socially problematic / has inappropriate behavior for some time.

Even after divorce, it is important for parents to set common boundaries and rules for their child. Otherwise they will be misled by their parents’ different perspectives.

No matter what relationship partners remain in after divorce, the child should feel loved, valued and supported by both parents – which, unfortunately, is very rare in our society and has a strong impact on children’s development.

Parental alienation

Parental alienation is a relationship disorder that occurs in cases of separation/divorce. It affects a child’s functioning and mental health, as the child’s right to have relationships with both parents and to maintain relationships with people to whom they have developed attachment bonds is violated.

Depending on the intensity and frequency of alienating actions and the impact of alienation on the child, alienating parents were divided into 3 categories, as follows:

The naive alienator

He is unaware of the effect of his actions and is willing to undergo psychotherapy/counseling programs. The impact of these activities generates a mild alienation of the child.

The active alienator

The parent loses control and goes beyond the boundaries of normal behavior. Having calmed down, he does not admit that he has lost control, and the impact of these attitudes results in moderate alienation of the child.

The obsessed alienator

He acts obsessive-delusionally, “every cell in his body is committed” to destroying the child’s relationship with the other parent. For this type of alienating parent, no psychological therapy works and the child has to be removed from his influence. The impact of these actions causes the child severe alienation.

Symptoms of parental alienation

To identify if a child is parentally alienated, he or she should exhibit two or more of the following behaviors:

  1. Campaign of vilification against a parent: The child often complains about the other parent in a monotonous way and makes unimportant, false or irrational statements about the other parent.
  2. The child’s criticism of the rejected parent contains frivolous argumentsThe child’s reactions of hatred and contempt are unjustified and disproportionate to the circumstances described.
  3. Lack of ambivalence: the child has a all-or-nothing thinkingidealizes the parent who alienates and devalues the rejected one.
  4. The phenomenon of independent thinking: The child proudly asserts that the decision to reject the parent is his or her own and was not influenced by the alienating parent.
  5. The child receives reflexive support from the alienating parent against the rejected parent: in the event of a disagreement, the child immediately and automatically takes the side of the alienating parent.
  6. Does not feel guilty for the bad way he/she treats or exploits the parent he/she rejects: the child may behave in an oppositional, cruel, disrespectful, disrespectful and sometimes violent way towards the rejected parent, for which he/she shows little or no remorse.
  7. Borrowed scenarios: Child makes repeated statements about the rejecting parent that are identical to those made by the alienating parent. Younger siblings, although their age does not allow them to elaborate details of events, repeat what they have heard from the older sibling.
  8. Hostility is extended by the child and towards the rejected parent’s family members or friends even when the child knew them little or not at all.

Consequences of alienation

Seeing themselves as victims, adults are obsessed with punishing the other, one of the cruelest punishments being the destruction of the child’s relationship with the other parent. What is worse is that in the process of victimization they can no longer understand the negative emotional consequences their actions have on the child and the other parent. Any action seems justified to them in order to have an exclusive connection with the child. That is why they do not give in to anything, they try to induce their own beliefs and feelings about the other parent. Under this pressure the child will slowly, slowly come to imitate the behavior of the alienating parent, will use the alienating parent’s arguments, will stop expressing his or her true feelings about the experiences with the other parent.

Because it is a permanent emotional abuse, the consequences for the child’s personality are the destruction of self-esteem and loss of self-confidence. At the behavioral level, in addition to low self-esteem, there are sleep disturbances, irritability, deep sadness, isolation, aggression, inability to control emotions, tendency to lie, and even suicide attempts.

The most common potential psychological, behavioral, social and academic effects in alienated children, which are also largely identified in emotionally abused children and psychological are:

Loneliness;

Conflict with parents;

Depression;

Sleep problem;

Abuz of substance;

Speech difficulties;

Sexual promiscuity;

Low body image self-esteem;

Unhealthy eating habits;

Eating disorders (anorexia, bulimia);

Weight gain or loss;

Clutter in your living space;

Disorganization (fail to perform tasks received or set);

Decreased activity;

Psychosomatic distortions;

Feelings of isolation;

Excessive use of technology/screens in order to escape emotional pain;

They have no friends;

Conflicts including sibling violence;

Dissociation (increases in intensity and frequency of fantasizing about the life they would like to have);

Declining attention;

Social identity problems;

Behaviorally regressive;

Anxiety;

Conflicts in relationships with people of the same or close age;

School problems;

Memory loss.

FINDINGS into the effects of divorce on children

Because of the psycho-emotional fragility of childhood, even if they resist, the child cannot be totally resistant to the harmful effects of parental alienationThese effects have been identified in younger children, adolescents or adults whose parents divorced during childhood.

Although not framed as a syndrome, parental alienation is seen as relationship disorder and emotional/psychological abuse of the child, and can have immediate, medium and long-term consequences that affect psychological, social and family functioning of the victim.

Your child’s health is more important than fighting your ex-partner!

Bibliography

  1. Luca, C. (2020). Parental Alienation: Emotional and Psychological Abuse of the Child in the Context of Parental Divorce.Analele Stiintifice Ale Universitatii Alexandru Ioan Cuza Din Iasi Stiinte Juridice, 66, 77.
  2. Cormoș, C. (2006) The effects of divorce on children and the single parent.Analele Universității “Ștefan cel Mare”, Seria filosofie și discipline socio-umane, 89-96.
  3. Croitori, C. (2021). The effects of divorce on family structure and the quality of parent-child relationships (The case of Baraboi village, Dondușeni r. InNational session with international participation of student scientific communications(pp. 251-253).
  4. Chiriac, P. (2020). 10. Divorce and its effects on children.ORTHODOX TEACHING BULLETIN NO. 2/2022, 121.
  5. Stanciu, A. (2017). DIVORCE: CONSEQUENCES ON THE DEVELOPMENT OF SCHOOL-AGE CHILD (Case in Leova r-nul).SCIENTIFIC ANNALS OF THE STATE UNIVERSITY OF MOLDOVA, 162.
  6. Andronachi, C. (2022). Divorce: consequences for the couple and the child. InScientific Annals of the State University of Moldova(pp. 283-286).
  7. Mărgineanu, L., & Focșa, T. (2013). Psychosocial consequences of divorce on the child. InPromoting human rights in the context of European integration: theory and practice(pp. 313-318).

Psych. Maria-Gabriela Istodor Clinical Psychologist – for children and adults, Training in Psychotherapy Med Anima Clinic TIMIȘOARA

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