About mourning:
How can we make peace with those who are no longer in our lives?
Throughout our lives we may be urged to stop complaining about the stories we are living, because there are many others who are worse off. We may come to believe in ourselves that our suffering is too small to be worthy of comfort. When in fact it’s not just the big losses that trigger grief, but the ‘smaller’ ones too. Sufferings can’t be weighed, there are no pots on which to hang sorrows and see how the heavy ones weigh down the simple ones.
Every loss is experienced so intimately and subjectively that it deserves comfort. And, whatever their nature, losses need processing, stir grief and involve healing efforts.
Throughout our life we have grown up in a culture that has made goodbyes somber and difficult to experience. The death of a close person, divorce, youthful break-ups, the end of a friendship, leaving the parental home, the empty nest phase experienced by parents, starting kindergarten, leaving maternity leave and even weaning a baby are all experiences in which we come to know the sensation and pain of loss. Not only do we lose loved ones, without whom we have often thought we could not live, but we also separate ourselves from memories, from pleasant feelings, from meanings that we have found after much expectation and, not least, we separate ourselves from parts of ourselves. With this, we are forced to let go of constructed stories, self-images, what we used to believe about ourselves and form new identities, entering into a stoic attempt to fill the gaps we have suffered.
We are all subject to the certainty that we will be left or that we will leave people in this life, that we will experience grief, that natural and necessary process by which we process the pain of loss. And as Sigmund Freud said in Mourning and Melancholia, dealing with parting is a labor – the effort and work of coming to terms with the new reality. The acceptance process takes time and change of intention. More concretely, a sign that we are beginning to cope optimally with the separation from our loved ones is when we stop fighting to change the reality that is not the way we would like it to be.
Stages of bereavement
1. Denial
When we are suddenly confronted with a breakup, denial is the first thing that comes up, which helps us to lessen the overwhelming emotions associated with it. We can’t believe it’s real, we think we are living a nightmare and are about to wake up any second. Denial is the protective mechanism that stops the action unfolding and gives us time to unconsciously process the harsh reality. Shock, emotional numbness or dissociation are common at this stage; that is why it is noble to understand them, to comfort even those who do not weep their losses.
2. Revolt
A strong emotional discomfort is now felt once we have realized the loss. So we feel naturally driven to try to change the facts. The rage that now overcomes us is actually hiding fear, despair, hopelessness, and it arises in order to give the strength to discharge all these emotions. The risk associated with anger is that we isolate ourselves or alienate others who would actually like to comfort us.
3. Negotiation
The negotiation stage comes with trying to find a solution to get everything back to normal. We are asking a force greater than ourselves to take away our pain, to bring our man back, for which we are ready to make promises of change. We focus on personal mistakes, blame ourselves more for all the hurtful interactions, all the cutting words, or regret every unmeaning “I love you”.
4. Depression
When depression sets in is when we truly tolerate reality as it is, realizing that we have exhausted all options for correction. Intense longing is now present, along with deep sadness, a lack of hope and pleasure, and a tendency to be lonely, to avoid social situations or places that bear the imprint of the lost.
5. Acceptance
Finally, the stage of acceptance surprises us that we no longer resist the truth at all, even though we are still suffering. We accept others closer to us, we let ourselves be comforted, we regain the small joys of life and allow ourselves to step into the new stage of life, discovering day by day ways of coping with change.
“Knowing now that there’s a risk of losing you, I’d better hold you even tighter”…
Imagine you are holding an object that you really like. You enjoy the feel of it in your palm, you are satisfied with its texture, you can touch its contours…
All until you squeeze it tightly, as if you wished no one could take it. Nestled in your trembling hand is the same fine-lined object that now feels like lead, almost hurting you. It becomes hard, you don’t enjoy anything that was there a while ago, because you don’t really feel it anymore. What you feel is not just the absence of pleasure, but the very presence of pain. And that happened at the moment of desire. The desire to possess something/someone – which we have in romantic relationships, in relationships with our own children to whom we dictate the way, in relationships with parents under whose wing we want to remain – steals the true joy of the experience with the “object” of our pleasure. We will truly enjoy relationships and experience the break from them more easily when we make space between ourselves and the other. When we stop clinging to our loved ones, thinking that they are our only chance at happiness, when we stop being in absolute control, when we stop believing that people belong to us, we will truly enjoy meeting them, the sacred bond that binds us. Keeping in mind the thought that YOU are independent from everything around you, although very connected to the whole, and that you will meet beings as independent as you are (with different minds, with different dreams, with different preferences, with a different air than yours) then you will fall in love with them or you will come to love them in a genuine way, enjoying to discover them freely, knowing that they don’t belong to you.
Our ex-partners or ex-wives do not belong to us, nor do they own us. We met to experience love and even the evil that came with it. We made heaven out of our days together, we crowned beautiful memories, we built material things, until the love faded. Regardless of how the love affair with those in our past has manifested, it is necessary to tolerate and recognize the extinguishing of love and detach ourselves from what no longer exists.
Are the losses necessary?
Mostly, yes! Losses are necessary because they teach us the lesson of detachment, of rediscovering or rebuilding the self, and because they mobilize us to develop the skills to move on, eventually adapting to undesirable situations.
The author and psychotherapist Jorge Bucay wrote simply about the lesson of detachment: ‘the solution to not suffering more is not to love less, but to learn not to cling on to what no longer exists when the moment of separation or loss comes’.
It’s really important to go through any loss with acceptance, with an airing of emotions and an inclination to make sense of the experience. Goodbyes of any kind can be viewed not only through the prism of the pain felt immediately, but also from the perspective of what comes next – the possibility that after the grieving comes a deeper understanding of life, an encounter with myself, the one who has learned to release, to let go, to let go and create from 0. Detachment, forced or voluntary, always brings a plus in personal growth and development (whether we are talking about people, objects, spaces, memories or behaviors).
How do we cope with goodbyes?
We weep for them!
We mourn our losses.
We let others witness and wipe away tears.
We don’t need to be given advice and under no circumstances exhortations to stop suffering, to recover faster. We leave it to others to take care of us, to temporarily take care of the housework or whatever is left over, we let them insist on food, water and rest, taking care of our body’s health.
Talk about the relationship with the lost man, look at the photos of you, if you miss him, evoke memories and mention his name, but do it around those who let you live your suffering, around those who would rather shed a tear with you than those who block any of your suffering, trying not to be overwhelmed or “contaminated” by it themselves.
We also accept the need to be alone in those moments, because it is beneficial in rebuilding a shaken self, we let the sadness be and simply sit with the pain. Only this temporary withdrawal into one’s own being can lead to healing, because then meanings are restored about life, meanings are given about the past, peace is produced. Running away from the first into the world, into other people’s arms, into highly stimulating activities, only distracts from the whole process that, sooner or later, we will surely go through.
Conclusions
The only way to make peace with the former people in our lives is to accept when they are gone, being grateful that they were.
Bibliography
- Bucay J., The Way of Tears. How to cope with separation and grief
- Kübler-Ross E., On death and dying
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